This Week’s Jokes: Week of 8/25/14

Kelly Rowland called pregnancy a “beautiful ride.” Ride? Oh, right, because of all the vomiting.

A gigantic rainstorm is preventing Burning Man attendees from getting to the festival. It’s also providing them with the only shower they’ll take this week.

Police found a wanted man in Omaha after his ALS Ice Bucket Challenge video was posted on Facebook. “It was pretty easy once the case went cold,” said a spokesperson for the department.

CDC figures released this week show that over 250,000 youths tried e-cigarettes last year. Smoking is supposed to make you look cool and these tech nerd kids are ruining it for everyone.

Kim Kardashian and sisters Kendall and Kyle Jenner were caught texting on-camera during a moment of silence for Ferguson, MO. at the VMAs. “It’s OK, I had it on airplane mode,” Kardashian responded.

Kim Kardashian and sisters Kendall and Kyle Jenner were caught texting on-camera during a moment of silence for Ferguson, MO. at the VMAs. “In our defense, we weren’t texting,” they responded. “We were playing the Kim Kardashian iPhone game.”

Burger King has just created the third-largest fast food empire on the planet by buying out Canadian fast food giant Tim Hortons for $11.4 billion dollars. They’d better back off; monopoly is McDonald’s game.

Rumors are swirling that Khloe Kardashian has broken up with rapper French Montana. If you’re wondering who French Montana is, Khloe explained, “He’s uh…wait, who?”

A six-year-old panda in China evidently faked being pregnant after noticing the perks other pregnant pandas receive, like more food and an air conditioned room. She was found out when zookeepers discovered her smoking and drinking.

A six-year-old panda in China evidently faked being pregnant after noticing the perks other pregnant pandas receive, like more food and an air conditioned room. I think I would also like to try faking being a pregnant panda.

The LA Times posted a picture of Retta incorrectly labeled as Danielle Brooks, of Orange is the New Black. “It wasn’t a mistake,” said the Times. “We were just working on some OITNB fanfic.”

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie announced mid-week that they got married over the weekend, in the most unpredictably predictable news of the week.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie got married. When asked what took so long, they explained that it took awhile for Angelina to get Billy Bob Thornton’s blood off her hands.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie got married, and no one’s going to ask Jennifer Aniston what she thinks about it. Hahahahah that’s not true; of course they are. People are dicks.

According to an E! News source, only 22 people attended Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s wedding. They were all children of the bridge and groom.

The NFL has announced severe new penalties for any NFL personnel who commit domestic violence offenses. They will be required to move out of their homes, at least six yards away.

Someone paid over $1,000 for a piece of Princess Diana and Prince Charles’ wedding cake. So I could probably get at least like $20 for this leftover spaghetti I’ve had in my fridge for a month, right?

Someone paid over $1,000 for a piece of Princess Diana and Prince Charles’ wedding cake. Fine, you can have their cake, but don’t eat it too.

 

 

 

 

 

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