The Associated Press reports that bourbon distilleries are experiencing a boom in sales due to Americans drinking more bourbon. And more shots. And more beer.

A woman from Cedar Park, Texas allegedly stole a $3.99 bottle of wine in order to get arrested and see her boyfriend in jail. Hey man, don’t do the crime if you don’t want your girlfriend stealing wine while you’re doing the time.

A woman from Cedar Park, Texas allegedly stole a $3.99 bottle of wine in order to get arrested and see her boyfriend in jail. Apparently you don’t have to be drunk for alcohol to help you make bad decisions.

A 43-year-old Venezuelan woman was apprehended at Madrid International Airport for smuggling 3.7 pounds of cocaine in her breast implants. Sounds like one helluva blow job.

Cambridge University is currently hiring a “Doctor of Chocolate.” Look it’s great that they want to introduce some diversity to their staff, but there are better ways they could say it.

Iran, Syria and Egypt are criticizing how U.S. authorities are handling demonstrations in Ferguson. “Oh like you even know,” responded the U.S.

Iran, Syria and Egypt have been critical of how U.S. authorities are handling demonstrations in Ferguson. “I know you are but what am I?” retorted the U.S.

Iran, Syria and Egypt are criticizing how U.S. authorities are handling demonstrations in Ferguson. In related news, your cousin who’s been divorced three times and can’t hold a job thinks you need to get your life together.

Uber’s CEO recently said that the company has to fight “an asshole named Taxi.” And apparently you’ve got to fight asshole with asshole.

The Supreme Court has put a hold on same sex-marriage in Virginia, because Virginia is for lovers, not people in committed relationships.