This Week’s Jokes: Week of 8/11/14

Kim Kardashian is publishing a book of her selfies called Selfish. “I’ve been wanting to publish a book about myself with that title for awhile; I just didn’t know what it should be until now,” said Kardashian.

Miley Cyrus peed in the woods at a party over the weekend. Did she take a picture of it? Uh, does a Miley pee in the woods?

Yesterday, Bloomberg News reported that Colgate Total toothpaste includes a chemical that has been linked to cancer. So thank goodness you forgot to brush your teeth this morning, you gross idiot.

Yesterday, Bloomberg News reported that Colgate Total toothpaste includes a chemical that has been linked to cancer. Or at least, 4 out of 5 dentists agree that it does.

A McDonald’s customer in North Carolina discovered a swastika burned into the bun of her chicken sandwich. “This is highly inappropriate,” said a spokesman for McDonald’s. “Our food has probably killed way more people than the Nazis at this point.”

A new study out of Northwestern University found that office workers who sit near windows enjoy “better quality of life,” probably because they know at any time they have the option of jumping out their office window.

A Utah teenager is dead after after being accidentally crushed by a pickup truck while she was sunbathing in her driveway. Seriously, guys, tanning is bad for you.

Courtney Stodden, who married 51-year-old actor Doug Hutchison at age 16 then divorced him last year, is now engaged to Hutchison once again, at age 19. “I made a lot of mistakes when I was younger,” explained Stodden. “And I’m still young, so, I’m supposed to make more, right?”

Rikers prison inmates rioted on Monday against a 9pm curfew which causes them to miss late-night TV shows. Hey man, you know what they say: Don’t do the crime if your favorite TV shows don’t come on at an earlier time.

The U.S. Army has issued soldiers new, more stylish workout clothes, because the only way we can win the War on Terror is to distract the terrorists with soldiers’ butts in yoga pants. Yowza!

Teenagers are tweeting their outrage over Michelle Obama’s new guidelines for healthy snacks in school vending machines. On one hand, it’s stupid, but on the other hand, it’s nice to see teens being politically active.

Teenagers are tweeting their outrage over Michelle Obama’s new guidelines for healthy snacks in school vending machines. “Moommmm stop embarrassing use in front of our friiiennndsss,” said Sasha and Malia Obama.

Advertisements