This Week’s Jokes: Week of 8/4/14

Anwan Glover, who played Slim on The Wire, was stabbed repeatedly in a club in Washington, D.C. Someone apparently neglected to tell him that typically, method acting happens before an actor starts a role, not years after.

Philadelphia police, firefighters, and ambulances responded to reports of a bomb in a vacant Philadelphia lot on Friday morning. Fortunately, it was just a prop bomb from a local theater production. “If you want a real bomb, you go to Pat’s!” said one resident. “No, Gino’s!” said another.

The New York City Health Department announced that the man admitted to Mount Sinai Hospital with Ebola-like symptoms on Monday “is unlikely to have Ebola.” But aren’t we all? That’s how they get ya.

The New York City Health Department announced that the man admitted to Mount Sinai Hospital with Ebola-like symptoms on Monday “is unlikely to have Ebola,” and instead probably just ate too much dollar pizza.

In a speech at an Africa Leaders Summit, Joe Biden referred to Africa as a nation, rather than a continent. Sigh. Joe, that’s why we refer to you as Vice President, rather than President.

The San Antonio Spurs hired Becky Hammon, making her the NBA’s first female full-time assistant coach. Some are wondering if she has the balls for the job. But that’s ridiculous; I’m sure the team has plenty of basketballs already.

The Pope has called for youth to spend less time on the Internet, saying “many young people waste too many hours on futile things.” “You mean like believing in God?” said the youth.

A Reddit user claims to have bought every apple pie at a local Burger King to spite a bratty child behind him in line who was yelling demands for pie at his mother. “It was easy,” he said. “Like stealing candy from a baby. Only, you know, I had to pay for it and it was pie.”

The GOP is attempting to win over millenial voters by supporting anti-regulation efforts and promoting startups like the taxi-alternative service Uber. Basically, the GOP is trying to lure kids into strangers’ cars.

The creator of True Detective has been accused of plagiarism. But where are the accusations coming from??? Watch the next season of True Detective, where it will sort of maybe be revealed.

This week the MTA discovered three N subway trains were infested with bed bugs. “Yet another reason to never go to Brooklyn,” said Manhattanites.

A group of commuters at an Australian train station worked together to lift a train and free a man whose leg was trapped between a car and the platform. “We didn’t do it for him; we were tired of waiting for the train,” said the commuters.

After 62 years of marriage, a California couple died four hours apart from one another, which sounds adorable, unless it was really just a long, drawn-out murder-suicide.

“I want it off,” said Donald Trump, in reference to his lawsuit to get his gold-plated name removed from two Atlantic City casinos. The rest of the world has said the same thing about Trump’s toupee.

A toddler squeezed through a fence in front of the White House, triggering an alarm and briefly sending the Secret Service into lockdown mode. In short, a baby turned the White House Secret Service into a bunch of overreacting babies.

A California woman was arrested for the seventh time this year for trying to sneak onto an airplane. “The most annoying part about it is we’ve had to change the definition of ‘flight risk’ in the handbook,” say police.

Russian students projected a laser show of President Obama fellating a banana. Critics have been quick to denounce the show as racist, but c’mon, it’s Russia–it’s probably homophobic, too.

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