This Week’s Jokes: Week of 7/28/14

The New York Times Editorial Board took a stance on pot, saying the government should repeal the federal ban on marijuana. The Board then asked for Doritos.

The New York Times Editorial Board took a stance on pot, saying the government should repeal the federal ban on marijuana. To translate for anyone who’s high right now: The New York Times says the government should chill the fuck out about pot.

Sarah Palin has launched her own subscription-based Internet TV network, which is good news because maybe that means she’s finally no longer welcome on regular TV.

Sarah Palin has launched her own subscription-based Internet TV network, SarahPalinChannel.com. In a few more years, it’ll be renamed “Who?lu”

Buzzfeed fired a writer for plagiarism, calling his behavior “the reflection of an unserious attitude to our work.” “Wait, I thought ‘unserious’ was a core part of our mission statement,” said every other Buzzfeed writer.

Buzzfeed fired a writer for plagiarism, calling his behavior “the reflection of an unserious attitude to our work.” Later in the day, every other Buzzfeed writer was commended for the same thing.

An Australian teen died after falling from the balcony of a New Zealand ski resort, and a local news station chose to memorialize him with a photo of the deceased and his friends throwing up “the shocker.” “Because, like, his death was such a shocking situation,” said a spokesman.

Freddie Prinze, Jr. recently said that working with Kiefer Sutherland on 24 made him want to quit acting. I can think of a few other actors I’d like to see work with Kiefer Sutherland.

The Guardian reports that rats have become a serious problem in the public gardens at the Louvre in Paris, which is a really mean way to describe the influx of American tourists.

More rumors are circulating that Jay-Z and Beyonce are getting divorced. The song “Drunk in Love” is now being interpreted as the two of them needing to be hammered to give a shit about each other.

Martha Stewart got a drone for her birthday and wrote a TIME op-ed about it. It was called “Why I Love My Drone” but a better title would have been “Martha Stewart Drones On and On about Her Drone.”

An intoxicated woman was filmed eating chips off the floor of a Metro North train in NYC. When the chips are down, sometimes you should just leave them there.

An intoxicated woman was filmed eating chips off the floor of a Metro North train in NYC. So the next time you feel like the chips are down, maybe you should check to see if it’s because you’re eating them.

Orlando Bloom took a swing at Justin Bieber in an Ibiza nightclub, which is weird because it always seemed like he got along so well with hobbits.

Jamie Foxx is going to play Mike Tyson in a biopic. No word yet on who’ll play Mike Tyson’s face tattoo.

Jamie Foxx is going to play Mike Tyson in a biopic. I can’t wait to see Jamie Foxx in The Hangover.

House Republicans have voted to sue President Obama for exceeding his executive authority in his implementation of the Affordable Healthcare Act. “Pfffft. I could Obamacare less,” said the President.

Chris Martin says that he and Gwyneth Paltrow remain friends after their “conscious uncoupling.” Yeah, right. Who would be friends with Gwyneth Paltrow?

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