This Week’s Jokes: Week of 7/21/14

25-year-old pro-golfer Rory McIlroy won the British Open over the weekend, and celebrated like any 25-year-old golfer would: Like an old man.

A Florida widow whose husband died of lung cancer successfully sued cigarette company RJ Reynolds for $23 billion, saying the company had not made it clear to her husband that cigarettes are bad for you. “Uh, seems like we made it pretty clear,” said the company, “our products killed him.”

Baby Prince George is starting to walk on his own. His parents are mortified: “We have people to take care of that for him,” said Prince William.

An Ohio town is trying to make a veteran get rid of his flock of therapy ducks. “We’re not ducking around,” officials said via text message.

A 59-foot rubber duck created by a Dutch artist floated away and went missing from China’s Nanming River after days of heavy rain. Officials are hard at work trying to get the duck back, mostly by filling the river with bubble bath soap.

An Illinois woman who stole a dress was caught after posting selfies of herself in the dress hours later. “But the real crime is that duckface,” said police.

A New Zealand man recently set the Guinness World Records title for “most tattoos of the same cartoon character tattooed on the body” with 41 tattoos of Homer Simpson. He told Guinness he spent the last year alcohol-free to spend his money on tattoos rather than beer, which means he got 41 tattoos of Homer Simpson completely sober.

A New Zealand man recently set the Guinness World Records title for “most tattoos of the same cartoon character tattooed on the body” with 41 tattoos of Homer Simpson. He told Guinness he spent the last year alcohol-free to spend his money on tattoos rather than beer. Homer Simpson would be very disappointed.

Over the weekend, the popular iTunes videogame Kim Kardashian: Hollywood stopped working and people freaked out. Kim Kardashian calmed fans down by reminding them that she hasn’t worked in years.

A tree planted in memory of the late Beatles member George Harrison is being replanted because beetles are slowly destroying it. But true fans are blaming Yoko Ono.

A Real Housewife of New York described taking off her prosthetic leg and throwing it at another cast member during the finale as a “knee-jerk reaction.” To prevent knee-jerk reactions in the future, she’s going to stop wearing her prosthetic leg.

Footage has emerged of a Lithuanian man being burned in the face after ordering a drink called ‘The Flaming Lamborghini.” Not like, set on fire; burned as in, “Dude what kind of dickwad orders a drink called ‘The Flaming Lamborghini’?”

Robin Thicke’s house is up for sale. The real estate agent showing the house isn’t forcing it on any potential buyers, just telling them, “You know you want it.”

A Republican Congressman repeatedly mistook two senior U.S. officials for members of the Indian government during a Foreign Affairs Committee meeting this week. But to be fair, this isn’t the first time someone in the U.S. government has mistakenly called people Indians and treated them shittily.

Tara Reid recently said in an interview that a Sharknado really could happen, which is the same thing someone once said about Tara Reid’s career.

 

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