This Week’s Jokes: Week of 7/14/14

Comic book character Archie Andrews dies in the latest issue of Life with Archie. So they should probably change the title of the series.

Comic book character Archie Andrews dies in the latest issue of Life with Archie, but his character will live on in the Archie series set in the present day. So just like Archie always had to choose between Betty and Veronica, readers will have to choose between living and dead Archie.

Nadya Suleman, aka Octomom, pleaded no contest to a misdemeanor welfare fraud charge and was given two years probation and ordered to serve 200 hours of community service. But divided between her and her 14 kids, it’s really only like 13 hours each.

A couple in Newark, Delaware was arrested for having sex on the roof of a Chipotle. They’re being charged with resisting arrest, lewdness, and false advertising–Chipotle doesn’t sell tacos.

A couple in Newark, Delaware was arrested for having sex on the roof of a Chipotle. How do you get up to on the roof of a Chipotle, and how do you get it up on the roof of a Chipotle?

The TSA says it’s giving all agents in Orlando a refresher course on what a District of Columbia driver’s license looks like, after one agent refused to recognize one of them as valid US ID. Members of Congress are also invited to join the course.

Rihanna tweeted and deleted “#FreePalestine.” “I thought it was a rapper,” explained Rihanna.

A British Mayor resigned after being banned from every single one of his town’s 36 pubs. “I accomplished what I came into office to do,” said the Mayor.

A British Mayor resigned after being banned from every single one of his town’s 36 pubs. “You don’t have to do that!” said Toronto Mayor Rob Ford.

Marvel announced that the next Thor will be female. “I mean, it’s comics, we can do anything we want,” said Marvel. “Even if it’s completely unrealistic.”

Time Warner, Inc. rejected an $80 billion buy-out offer from 21st Century Fox. Since the Supreme Court’s Hobby Lobby decision two weeks ago essentially ruling that corporations are people, 21st Century Fox is required by law to deal with the rejection by going home and eating a gallon of ice cream by itself.

A new study reveals a hard link between smoking pot and paranoia. But if you don’t want to believe the study, just smoke some pot before you read it.

A federal judge in Southern California ruled that administration of the state’s death penalty is so dysfunctional, it’s unconstitutional. Keep that in mind for your next family Thanksgiving.

A CNN report asks why the United States hasn’t been back to the moon. Uh, probably because there’s no reason to since we found out it isn’t actually made of cheese.

Former Panamanian dictator Manuel Noriega is suing the creators of “Call of Duty,” saying his portrayal in the video game damaged his reputation. Yup, totally the video game; not being a dictator.

A Texas actress was sentenced to 18 years in prison after sending ricin-laced letters to President Barack Obama. But the good news is she’s retroactively been given a role on Breaking Bad.

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements