This Week’s Jokes: Week of 7/7/14

This Week's Jokes

Netflix is hiring a professional binge watcher. It’s the first job where you’ll be required to fail a drug test in order to be hired.

Netflix is hiring a professional binge watcher. The salary isn’t being publicized, but reportedly benefits include “what more could you possibly want, asshole?”

The Tour de France started, finally giving American sports fans something to care about even less than the World Cup.

An Alabama woman was arrested by police after she drunkenly stole a horse and rode it to a nearby store to steal merchandise. In my day, that was just called being a cowboy.

The Ugandan government told donors who have stopped or redirected aid to the country in light of its anti-gay bill that the law has been “misinterpreted.” “You’re all just confused,” said Uganda. “This is just a phase you’re going through.”

The Wall Street Journal celebrated its 125th anniversary by publishing a special “The Future of Everything” edition, which is ironic because the future definitely does not include print journalism.

T.G.I. Friday’s is now offering “endless” appetizers. Considering the source, “endless” sounds more like “relentless” than “unlimited.”

A prostitute is under arrest after police say she injected a Google executive with heroin and then casually left as he lay dying. Police were able to identify the woman from security footage. “We have no comment,” said a spokesperson for Google. “Not until you review the Google Glass footage. Come on. It’s the future! Please?”

Courtney Love turned 50 this week, and as usual made it all about her.

Eva Mendes is reportedly pregnant by Ryan Gosling. No word yet whether it’s a boy or a Hey Girl.

1-800-FLOWERS has teamed up with Robin Thicke for a special promotion. “‘Blurred Lines’ got a bum rap,” said Thicke. “When I said ‘You know you want it’ I just meant overpriced mail-order flowers!”

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes director Matt Reeves worked with actors over Skype to reshoot final scenes in the film. The setting of the entire film was then changed to Antarctica to explain why the actors kept yelling, “Can you hear me now? Wait you’re frozen! You froze up!”