The U.S. lost their World Cup match against Belgium, but the goalkeeper for the U.S. team made the most saves in a match in World Cup history game. “Yeah, but it’s quality, not quantity,” said the rest of the U.S. team.

A FOX News panelist speculated that if Hillary Clinton runs for President, she will attempt to appeal to single ladies–or as she called them, “Beyoncé Voters.” But there’s no way someone who identifies as a “Beyoncé Voter” isn’t going to just actually vote for Beyoncé.

Target has asked customers to stop carrying firearms when they come into stores. “This violates our 2nd amendment rights!” said gun nuts. “And our basic American rights to buy cheap crap!”

The director of The Notebook revealed that Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams hated each other during filming. He was able to get them through the movie by directing them to concentrate their hate on The Notebook.

The FTC has charged T-Mobile with stealing hundreds of millions of dollars of their customers’ money by billing them for services they didn’t sign up for. Customers are outraged, but agree that the company is still less evil than Verizon.

A drunk driver in Oklahoma led cops on a high speed chase this week because she wanted to be booked into a certain jail. “You know, the one they show on Orange is the New Black,” she said.