This Week’s Jokes: Week of 6/23/14

A new proposal in Berlin is seeking donations for a multi-purpose house of worship for Christians, Jews, and Muslims. Goings-on in the house will be filmed so that viewers can see what happens when a bunch of religious zealots continue not being polite and fake getting real.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West celebrated North West’s first birthday with a children’s version of Coachella they called “Kidchella.” Because it was definitely all about the kid.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West celebrated North West’s first birthday with a children’s version of Coachella they called “Kidchella.” And North West celebrated North West’s first birthday by pooping and napping.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West celebrated North West’s first birthday with a children’s version of Coachella they called”Kidchella.” Guests were served punch, cake, and child-sized doses of drugs.

A 12-year-old boy in France ran away and pretended to have been kidnapped, all in order to avoid going to the dentist. Not really helping that  “The French are all cowards” stereotype, buddy.

While looking for a washing instructions label in her new dress, a woman in Wales discovered an extra tag had been sewn in, bearing the message “Forced to work exhausting hours.” “It was very upsetting,” said the woman. “I never did find the washing instructions.”

Chelsea Clinton says that money “wasn’t the metric of success [she] wanted in [her] life.” Then her famous, wealthy parents reminded her that you can choose the metric of success for your friends, but you can’t choose the metric of success for your family.

Chelsea Clinton says that money “wasn’t the metric of success [she] wanted in [her] life.” “It should be something more meaningful,” said Clinton. “Like who my parents are.”

“We didn’t elect a monarch or king,” said House Speaker John Boehner, annoyed that President Obama has been acting without Congressional approval. “I mean we totally would, as long as he’s one of our guys.”

The Supreme Court unanimously ruled that cellphones can’t be searched without a warrant. “Fuck yeah!” said dudes with suspicious girlfriends.

U.S. soccer coach Jurgen Klinsmann wrote a note for American fans to use to get out of work for  Thursday’s USA vs. Germany match. Across the country, Americans who have openly professed to hating soccer united in trying to decide whether they hate their job more.

The U.S. soccer team lost 1-0 to Germany on Thursday, but will still move to the next round of the World Cup. At least we think. It was hard to hear anything over Jurgen Klinsmann yelling “OPPOSITE DAY! OPPOSITE DAY!”

 

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