This Week’s Jokes: Week of 6/16/14

Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor ran into Hillary Clinton at CostCo while Clinton was there signing copies of her book. “Ugh, I can’t believe everyone will know I shop here now,” said Sotomayor. “Don’t worry, I won’t judge you! Hahahahhahahahahaha!” said Clinton.

A group of men attending a bachelor party in New Mexico this week discovered a mastodon skull that paleontologists say is over ten million years old. “We were just going to leave it,” said a spokesman for the group, “But then we realized the potential for boner jokes.”

Starbucks is partnering with Arizona State University to pay for the (online) college education of its 135,000-odd U.S. employees. So now when your barista is on their phone ignoring you, it might be because they’re in class. Or maybe they’re Snapchatting. Yeah, probably Snapchatting.

Pope Francis spoke about why he prefers not to use the bulletproof Popemobile, explaining that at his age he doesn’t have “much to lose.” “Oh yeah, us neither. Just do what you want,” said Catholics.

A former Nazi concentration camp guard was arrested in North Philadelphia. “We’re shocked. We’re a nice family from North Philly! ” said a family member. “We thought he was just a regular racist like the rest of us.”

Spanish Crown Prince Felipe’s ascension to the throne reportedly offered guests only small snacks, and nowhere to sit. Being a Spanish prince sounds a lot like being broke and living in a studio apartment.

The Federal Reserve announced that growth in economic activity has “rebounded” in recent months. “It’s nothing serious, but it’s totally what the economy needs right now,” said the Fed. “The economy should just have fun for a little while.”

In the wake of attacks on the U.S.-installed Iraqi government, President Obama is sending 300 non-combat military advisors into Iraq this week. Because those who can’t do, teach.

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