This Week’s Jokes: Week of 6/9/14

The film adaptation of John Green’s The Fault in Our Stars made $42 million dollars this weekend, making the film officially a hit. Great. Now kids are going to think it’s cool to have cancer.

During the Tony Awards on Sunday, Hugh Jackman was joined onstage by T.I. and LL Cool J to do a rap version of the “The Music Man.” It was neat of Hugh Jackman to make T.I. and LL Cool J honorary white guys for the night.

A farmer in western Pennsylvania found 150 marijuana plants growing right alongside corn on his farm. “Found.”

Miss Indiana is being praised for having the most “normal” body at the Miss USA pageant. Unfortunately, it also cost her winning the pageant.

Miss Indiana is being praised for having the most “normal” body at the Miss USA pageant. Because all of the other contestants were covered in tentacles and open sores!!! Aiiieee!!!

A Los Angeles teacher drunkenly pulled a knife on students in their car Saturday night and demanded they take him to the fast food chain Jack in the Box. That sounds like pretty ridiculous lengths to go for fast food, so hopefully he was actually going there to buy drugs out back.

Adam Levine is apologizing to his exes before his wedding, reportedly for how he treated them in the past. The exes say what they really want is apologies for Maroon 5 songs.

A Florida woman was arrested for attempting to steal seven lobster tails by stuffing them down her pants. “It’s not that weird,” said the woman. “I already have crabs down there.”

North Korean leader Kim Jung-un visited the country’s meteorological center to complain about the poor quality of its weather predictions, in an act being cited as the first relatable thing Kim Jung-un has ever done.

Harrison Ford was airlifted to a local hospital after being injured on the set of Star Wars: Episode VII. “I think you’re getting a little too old for this,” said the producers. “I know,” said Han Solo.

A spokesman for the police department that responded to Harrison Ford’s injury due to a malfunctioning Millenium Falcon door on the set of Star Wars told reporters, “We were called after reports of a 71-year-old man being injured by a garage door.” It’s unclear whether that statement is more disrespectful to Harrison Ford or the Millenium Falcon.

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