This Week’s Jokes: Week of 6/2/14

Protestors of Thailand’s military coup have been flashing a three-finger salute, the same one used as a symbol of resistance in The Hunger Games. So far all it’s succeeded in accomplishing is making American teenagers huge fans of Thai protestors.

Dan Marino was reportedly added to the latest concussion lawsuit against the NFL by mistake, and his representatives are working to have him removed from the litigation.  “I don’t remember joining this lawsuit at all,” said Marino, “probably because I’ve had all those concussions.”

Kate Middleton’s brother has started a company that prints Instagrams onto marshmallows. Because when you can’t be the biggest success in your family, why not aim for most conspicuous failure?

President Obama introduced new White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest with, ““his name describes his demeanor…Josh is an earnest guy.” “Thanks,” said Earnest, adding, “and I think that the President’s name describes his demeanor: Difficult to read.”

The New York Times’ Maureen Dowd journaled through a THC-infused hallucination this week and published it as a column. “Big deal,” said every college student finishing up term papers this week.

A second video of Justin Bieber making racist jokes has surfaced. Sometimes it feels like Justin Bieber is just one big racist joke against white people.

A young page attending the Queen at the State Opening of Parliament fainted during her speech. The Queen continued with her speech, unphased. “Yes,” said Prince Philip. “It’s pretty typical for the Queen not to notice when you go down on her.”

A Florida man called 911 seven times attempting to get his wife arrested for throwing out his beer. But if she threw out all his beer, how was he shit-faced enough to call 911 seven times?

For a $20K donation to charity, George R.R. Martin will put you in a Game of Thrones book and violently murder your character. If you really want to get murdered you can probably find a cheaper one on Craigslist, though.

For a $20K donation to charity, George R.R. Martin will put you in a Game of Thrones book and violently murder your character. Let’s see: Big guy takes money from nerds, then beats them up in front of everybody. George R.R. Martin is a middle school bully.

Members of TLC have criticized Rihanna for wearing revealing clothing. Apparently to TLC, revealing clothing is OK, as long as you’re literally wearing a condom.

Leonardo DiCaprio recently went to a party, but upon realizing it was being filmed for Keeping Up With the Kardashians he refused to go in until the filming was over. If Kanye West is any indication, within the year DiCaprio will be married to Kim.

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