This Week’s Jokes: Week of 5/19/14

The New York Post has reported that the new 9/11 Memorial Museum includes a gift shop. Items available for purchase include sets of Twin Towers candles (the South Tower melts faster) and NYC snow globes filled with ashes.

Billy Corgan posed on the cover of PAWS Chicago with his two cats. You’d think cats would be a poor choice of pet for a rage-filled rat in a cage.

Billy Corgan posed on the cover of PAWS Chicago with his two cats. ’90s alt rock fans were disappointed to learn that this was the Siamese Dream the Smashing Pumpkins were talking about.

A University of Wisconsin freshman ousted as a “casting couch” porn actress committed suicide with a shotgun. “That’s not what I meant when I asked her to blow her brains out,” said the video’s producer.

A massive sinkhole opened up in a Manhattan street. Unfortunately, it didn’t manage to swallow up any of the massive assholes that live in Manhattan.

A massive sinkhole opened up in a Manhattan street. The rent to live in the sinkhole is $3,300 per month.

Charlie Sheen is upset with Rihanna for declining to meet his fiancée at a restaurant. But to be fair to Rihanna, she’d just have to meet another one in a few months.

A Red Robin employee worked for several months with a contagious case of Hepatitis A, exposing as many as 5,000 people to the infection. “You’re eating at Red Robin,” said the employee. “You should understand the risks.”

A Red Robin employee worked for several months with a contagious case of Hepatitis A, exposing as many as 5,000 people to the infection. The most disgusting part of this story is that 5,000 people are willing to eat at Red Robin.

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian got married this weekend. Ray J filmed the wedding video and will be selling copies for $19.99.

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian got married this weekend. During the reception, Kanye took the microphone to tell Kim’s two prior husbands, “Yo Imma let you finish, but Kimye had the best wedding of all time.”

A dating coach is spamming videos posted by mass murderer Elliot Rogers with messages that the shootings could have been avoided had Rogers used his services. Because the first thing any dating coach will teach you is, “Women don’t like it when you shoot them.”

Miley Cyrus has obtained an emergency restraining order against a fan who has stated that he won’t stop stalking her until she either “accepts him or dies.”  Which is interesting, because “accept me or die” seems to have been the promotional strategy Miley has been using over the last year.

Despite earlier declaring that their takeover of power was definitely not a coup, later this week Thailand’s military officially declared a coup against the government. In case you’re wondering, the official declaration was, “Oh, that. Yeah, we were lying.”

 

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