George Clooney is engaged. FINALLY, someone’s buying that cow.

George Clooney is engaged to a British lawyer. When asked why this girlfriend out of all the others he’s had over the years, Clooney replied, “This one’s closest to the bar.”

Jennifer Lawrence revealed on Late Night with Seth Meyers that she drunkenly vomited on Madonna’s stairs after the Oscars. Not a euphemism.

Jennifer Lawrence revealed on Late Night with Seth Meyers that Miley Cyrus witnessed her drunkenly vomit on Madonna’s stairs after the Oscars. So in 30 years, expect Miley Cyrus to invite a young actress to vomit all over her stairs after the Oscars.

47 One Direction fans were treated for symptoms of asphyxia after a concert in Peru. So it turns out that old wives’ tale about cats and One Direction sucking the breath out of children is true.

A dead whale that washed ashore in Atlantic City was tagged with the name of a fraternity. Hahaha, that’s what happens when you get too drunk at a party, pass out, and die.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is taking a leave of absence to go on a trip. A drug trip. Yuk yuk yuk.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is taking a leave of absence. “Wait what were all those times you were high then?” said Toronto citizens.

Cressida Bonas has been given “compassionate leave” from her job after breaking up with Prince Harry. But it’s just so everyone in her office can gossip behind her back.

New Jersey governor Chris Christie tweeted about his colonoscopy. The test went well, but unfortunately for Christie did prove that he’s full of shit.