This Week’s Jokes: Week of 4/21/14

Haagen-Dazs Japan has announced that they’ll be releasing vegetable-flavored ice cream this May. So starting next month, Japanese children who don’t finish their dinner will have to eat dessert.

Gwyneth Paltrow has filed a restraining order against a man who gained access to her London home and recently tried to get into her Los Angeles residence. Seems like a really complicated way to try to make Chris Martin jealous.

Only weeks after announcing her divorce, Gwyneth Paltrow has filed a restraining order against a man who gained access to her London home and recently tried to get into her Los Angeles residence.  You know, when you keep having issues with people…at some point you gotta consider maybe it’s you, Gwyneth.

A female student in North Carolina was kicked out of her prom for wearing pants. “It’s not that we thought it was informal,” said school officials, “It’s just that it’s going to be really difficult for her to have post-prom sex in the back of a limo in that outfit.”

Jack Johnson has launched a line of eco-friendly flip-flops. “My music already says ‘I’m the guy who’s going to insist on bringing out an acoustic guitar at your party’,” said Johnson, “but I thought, ‘What if my shoes could say that, too?'”

Beauty product company Carol’s Daughter has filed for bankruptcy, but the government will probably reject it and tell the company to get Carol’s Mom to bail them out.

Beyoncé launched an Instagram campaign this week asking fans to define what “pretty” means to them using hash tag #whatispretty. Then people starting posting answers other than “Beyoncé,” so she cancelled the campaign.

Us magazine is being accused of photoshopping a cover photo of Prince George. But to be fair, that baby looks way cuter with a thigh gap.

Us magazine is being accused of photoshopping a cover photo of Prince George. Babies across the globe are crying out in outrage. Or maybe just crying. It’s hard to tell.

A Foursquare CEO’s wife used a fake bib number to get into the Boston Marathon. She probably would have gotten away with it if she hadn’t “checked in” at the race.

Four 10-year-olds were caught selling their grandparents’ pot on a playground in Colorado this week. They are being charged with forming the most adorable drug ring ever.

A Florida elementary school has agreed to stop its longstanding policy of giving kids Mountain Dew as brain fuel before the state’s most important standardized test. But students will still be required to chug a can of Mountain Dew Code Red before fire drills.

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