I wrote this for GQ. Thought it’d be helpful for dudes to know. They disagreed.

1. “What happened to your thigh gap?”

UGH. Ladies hate being asked about where our thigh gaps went because it’s not our fault that one day our thigh gap said they were just going to go out for a pack of cigarettes, and then never came home. And you know what? Our thighs did just fine working two jobs and raising us on their own, so our thigh gap can just go to hell.

2. “My boner went soft. Can you help?”

SIGH. Your boner is not our responsibility. It should be the responsibility of the state. In Sweden, they have socialized boner-care, and everyone’s super happy and beautiful there, like, all the time.

3. “Why don’t you look like Beyoncé?”

UGH. Women hate hearing that they don’t look like Beyoncé. We can’t all look like Beyoncé, OK??? Even Beyoncé doesn’t look like Beyoncé all the time. (P.S. Beyoncé hates this question more than anyone so be especially mindful about asking this when you’re talking to Beyoncé.)

4. “I don’t date girls who eat gluten.”

SIGH. No duh. Girls who eat gluten have permanent yeast infections.

5. “Excuse me, is someone sitting here? Do you mind if I take this chair for our table? We have another person coming.”

UGGHHHHHHH. Just STOP HITTING ON US, geez.