This Week’s Jokes: Week of 4/7/14

McDonald’s is paying Vanessa Hudgens $15,000 to attend the Coachella music festival, and paying its actual employees…well, not that.

Barbara Walters is retiring from journalism and The View. Wait, no, sorry, that’s not right–just The View. She clearly gave up on journalism as soon as she joined that show.

Barbara Walters is retiring. This is a tremendous loss for the TV journalism industry as a whole, but especially for that one guy whose only job is to make her lighting all soft and soap opera-y.

Barbara Walters is retiring. “I’m getting older,” said Walters. “I don’t want anyone missing my viewing because they thought the obituary was just listing air times for The View.”

Scarlett Johansson told Glamour magazine she hates the nickname ScarJo because “it sounds tacky.” Unlike giving an interview to Glamour magazine.

A Long Island nursing home is facing a lawsuit from the son of one resident, who is upset that the establishment hired Chippendale’s strippers to perform in the rec room. Hey guy, your mom probably already knew about sex.

A Long Island nursing home is facing a lawsuit from the son of one resident, who is upset that the establishment hired Chippendale’s strippers to perform in the rec room. His complaint mostly centers around the fact that they stole his Mother’s Day idea.

President Obama signed executive orders on Tuesday —”Equal Pay Day”— for federal contractors to pay women what they pay men. “Fine,” said the contractors, “we just won’t hire any women.”

President Obama signed executive orders on Tuesday —”Equal Pay Day”— for federal contractors to pay women what they pay men.”Fine,” said the contractors, “but you can’t make us respect them.”

President Obama signed executive orders on Tuesday —”Equal Pay Day”— for federal contractors to pay women what they pay men. Man Obama’s gonna get so much sweet puss this week.

The co-founder of Carabba’s Italian Grill has been arrested twice this week. It’s too bad he doesn’t own Buca di Beppo, or he could just go to the Pope room to ask for forgiveness.

A woman was taken into custody after she threw a shoe at former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton during a speech on Thursday. It’s a shame that even someone as powerful and accomplished as Hillary Clinton still has to deal with the stereotype that women looooooooove shoes.

Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis and his girlfriend said they opted for IVF because they wanted to choose the sex of their babies so that people will finally get that he “loves, respects and admires” females. Sounds like Francis has some daddy issues.

Health and Human Services Secretary Katherine Sebelius is reportedly resigning at the end of the month after her office’s less-than-smooth rollout of the Affordable Care Act. “I would have resigned sooner,” said Sebelius, “but I had to give my notice through healthcare.gov.”

Health and Human Services Secretary Katherine Sebelius is reportedly resigning at the end of the month after her office’s less-than-smooth rollout of the Affordable Care Act.  “I’ll lose my health insurance benefits if I leave,” said Sebelius, “but fuck it I’ll pay the fine.”

Hilary Duff and Mike Comrie have called off their divorce. Duff is blaming the temporary bump in their marriage on a sudden reappearance of her evil alter ego, Lizzie McGuire.

 

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