This Week’s Jokes: Week of 3/31/14

A Florida man staged a fake break-in at his house and called the police so he would have an excuse to say home from work. What kind of cough do you do over the phone to make it sound like you’re being robbed?

Vladimir Putin’s divorce from his wife became final this week, so it seems sometimes Russian law is on the side of a pussy riot.

Vladimir Putin’s divorce from his wife is officially final. Hey Putin, you know who else isn’t married in Russia? Gays.

A Queens college student says her OkCupid date stole her phone after she wouldn’t go home with him. But at least she doesn’t have to stress out about whether or not he’ll call her again.

The House of Representatives passed a bill redirecting $330 million to weather forecasting, because politicians are like children: They whine a lot until you give them giant balloons.

A Miley Cyrus concert in Finland is at risk of being canceled due to the U.S. sanctions against Russia. “I don’t know what we did to deserve this,” said a Finnish citizen, “but thanks.”

On Steve Harvey’s radio show, Halle Berry said she won’t allow her daughter Nahla to watch Cinderella because she believes the Disney fairytale gives girls unrealistic ideas about romantic relationships. Naming your daughter after a lion in a Disney fairytale is still totally A-OK, though.

James Franco has admitted to trying to pick up a 17-year-old girl on Instagram. People would be outraged if they weren’t so excited that it’s that easy to hook up with James Franco.

James Franco has admitted to trying to pick up a 17-year-old girl on Instagram. He says he didn’t realize she was so young, but he probably should have been tipped off by the fact that she’s on Instagram.

Tyson is recalling 75,320 pounds of chicken nuggets after some customers complained about finding small pieces of plastic in their food. A smarter move would have been to follow McDonald’s’ lead and refer to the small pieces of plastic as a Happy Meal prize.

Chinese actor Wen Zhang apologized for cheating on his wife via Twitter. One million people retweeted it, but his wife just fav’d it, so they’re definitely through.

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