This Week’s Jokes: Week of 3/24/14

New York now has a 24-hour ATM that dispenses cupcakes. In other news, the the city’s new motto is “New York, New York: The Manic Pixie Dream Girl City.”

New York now has a 24-hour ATM that dispenses cupcakes. But if you forget your pin number, it not only doesn’t give you any, it also calls you fat and laughs.

A state senator in Alaska wants women to take pregnancy tests before drinking in bars. Women in Alaska want the Senator to take an IQ test before talking to women.

A state senator in Alaska wants women to take pregnancy tests before drinking in bars, claiming if women find out they are pregnant at a bar it will stop them from drinking. Personally, if I suddenly found out I was pregnant, I’d need a drink more than ever.

Kim Kardashian reportedly kept her Vogue cover secret from her sisters, but to be fair she doesn’t have as close a relationship with them as she does with E!‘s cameras.

Gwyneth Paltrow announced via her lifestyle website that she and husband Chris Martin are separating. Paltrow also added that her divorce will be more elegant, expensive and organic than yours.

An eight-year-old girl’s grandparents removed her from her Christian elementary school in Virginia after administrators said her hair was too short and her clothes too boyish. “It’s weird,” said the girl’s grandparents. “We thought the church liked little boys.”

Wu-Tang Clan announced they will only sell one copy of an album they secretly recorded over the last few years. But remember, Wu-Tang Clan ain’t nothin’ to fuck with, even if they’re gonna fuck with you.

A new report by researchers at UCLA’s Civil Rights Project finds that New York City has the most segregated schools in America. New York has responded by shrugging and raising a Confederate flag.

A new report by researchers at UCLA’s Civil Rights Project finds that New York City has the most segregated schools in America. “Ha! Try calling us liberal commies NOW,” the city responded.

A Utah woman named Crispi was arrested for trying to burn her ex-boyfriend’s house down with a flaming pile of bacon. Across town, another woman named Stabbi was arrested for trying to knife-murder her boyfriend with a knife.

 

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