This Week’s Jokes: Week of 3/17/14

In Touch magazine published a list of Hollywood stars Lindsay Lohan has slept with, supposedly written by the actress herself. “It was like reading the cast list for an elementary school play,” said an In Touch editor. “Everybody made it.”

Tommy Hilfiger has named soccer star David Beckham the underwear model of the century. “He has excellent ball control…on and off the field,” said Hilfiger.

Loyola Law School is under fire for issuing a condescending memo to female students about stiletto heels and short hemlines at externships, but to be fair, people are totally ignoring the section that advises dudes that too many pleats on a pair of pants will make their penis look super slutty.

Police in Newark, Delaware are trying to track down a couple who had sex in broad daylight in front of a Dunkin Donuts parking lot on St. Patrick’s Day. Newark residents are shocked…that were no cops at the Dunkin Donuts to actually witness it happening.

Police in Newark, Delaware are trying to track down a couple who had sex in broad daylight in front of a Dunkin Donuts parking lot on St. Patrick’s Day. The couple is wanted for “lewd acts” in Delaware, and “high-fives” in Boston.

Seattle detectives reexamined the case of the death of Kurt Cobain this week, nearly 20 years after the singer’s death. They found nothing new, even after replaying the case backwards to listen for hidden messages.

Seattle detectives reexamined the death of Kurt Cobain this week, nearly 20 years after the singer’s death. They found no new evidence, but did dig up some new material for their 20th anniversary memorial collage.

Seattle detectives reexamined the death of Kurt Cobain this week, nearly 20 years after the singer’s death. They issued a report concluding, “Dang, 20 years? We’re old.”

Seattle detectives reexamined the death of Kurt Cobain this week, nearly 20 years after the singer’s death. Courtney Love could not be reached for comment, because no one wanted to talk to her.

The U.S. has issued sanctions against Russia, including but not limited to suspending its allowance and sending it to bed without any dessert.

The author of Pippi Longstocking will appear on Swedish currency, to highlight the fact that the power of the Swedish dollar might as well be fictional in the global economy.

Debate is raging in Hawaii over a controversial law that permits undercover officers to have sex with sex workers during police operations. The controversy centers around the fact that annoying jokes about “getting lei’d” in Hawaii are expected to increase to unheard-of new levels.

Select Starbucks locations will begin selling alcoholic beverages. Drinks will have to be finished in-store, and before patrons leave they’ll also be required to order a cup of coffee to sober up.

Police have arrested a man who allegedly sucked a woman’s toes in a North Carolina Walmart. But to be fair, if he had to put something from Walmart in his mouth, another person’s toes were probably the least disgusting option.

A sloth bear at the National Zoo has eaten two out of the three cubs she gave birth to in December. So you should get your mom something really nice for Mother’s Day.

A sloth bear at the National Zoo has eaten two out of the three cubs she gave birth to in December. If she eats the third it will be a victory for mothers everywhere, proving that motherhood really is an all-consuming job.

Kenya’s parliament has passed a law making polygamy legal, in the hopes that TLC will green-light an African spinoff of Sister Wives.

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