This Week’s Jokes: Week of 3/10/14

Lindsay Lohan’s new reality series debuted on Oprah’s OWN Network this week, which is an interesting choice for a person incapable of owning up to her own actions.

A new study has found that women who give birth to 10 or more children are less likely to get cancer. They’re also more likely to be cats or dogs.

Billboard reports that Taylor Swift is the music industry’s number one money-maker. She has issued a statement requesting that the industry refrain from shaking her.

Tina Fey squashed rumors of a Mean Girls sequel, saying, “We’re all past high school age.” Which is weird, because that’s never stopped Hollywood casting directors before.

2012 tax information for Lady Gaga’s Born This Way Foundation reveals that the organization claimed $2.1 million in assets but gave away only $5,000. “I was born this way,” Gaga explained. “Greedy.”

Matt and Amy Roloff, the couple from TLC’s Little People, Big World, have announced their decision to separate after 26 years of marriage. It’s a shame they’re unable to accept each other’s shortcomings.

A Canadian underwear company announced that certain customers will now qualify for $50,000 worth of free penis insurance. Finally, another reason for guys to be dicks about their dicks.

After a 40-year-old man was found by the side of the road with his penis severed and nowhere to be found, police shut down 4 lanes of traffic to search for it. Aides of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie are encouraging the governor to tell the world he too lost his balls, as an explanation for the Fort Lee bridge incident.

Mark Zuckerberg wrote a blog post railing against the NSA. “I’ve called President Obama to express my frustration over the damage the government is creating for all of our future,” said Zuckerberg. “What? Sorry, I was on Facebook,” said the American public.

Mark Zuckerberg wrote a blog post railing against the NSA. “I’ve called President Obama to express my frustration over the damage the government is creating for all of our future,” said Zuckerberg. “Meanwhile, I’m over here busting my ass with this new Farmville app for Facebook.”

On Thursday night, a restaurant worker stabbed his boss to death for posting his picture online. He is a hero to anyone who’s ever had to untag themselves from an unflattering Facebook photo.

Young Lee, co-founder of frozen yogurt company Pinkberry, was sentenced to seven years in state prison for beating a homeless man with a tire iron. Lee feels he was overcharged for the weight of his crimes.

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