This Week’s Jokes: Week of 3/3/14

The Academy Awards on Sunday reminded Leonardo DiCaprio for the fifth time that he is not, in fact, King of the World.

Jennifer Lawrence fell down at the Oscars for the second year in a row. If she really wants to start doing romantic comedies, she could probably just ask instead of faking her own meet-cutes.

Pharrell wore a pair of “formal” shorts to the Oscars. E!’s fashion police praised the singer for finding a look that effortlessly transitions from awards ceremony to kickball game.

An E! reporter asked Mindy Kaling “what color” guys she’s into on the Oscars red carpet, which is a really rude thing to ask a Hollywood actress. The answer is always going to be “spray-tanned.”

FOX News noted that Matthew McConaughey was one of the few Oscar winners to thank God in his acceptance speech. When asked to comment, God said, “Way to make me sound like someone who always has to take credit for other people’s work, FOX News.”

FOX News noted that Matthew McConaughey was one of the few Oscar winners to thank God in his acceptance speech. When asked to comment, God said, “Oh, right. Well, I guess there’ll be another flood then.”

Scarlett Johansson is pregnant. “AKA fat,” said male fans on Reddit.

Chipotle is warning investors that extreme weather events “associated with global climate change” might eventually affect the availability of some of its ingredients. And oh, yeah, the future of human life on earth.

Recent research finds that 1 out of 10 Americans believe HTML is an STD, which isn’t really a problem compared to the 1 out of 10 Americans who believe their STD is just a computer virus.

Recent research finds that 1 out of 10 Americans believe HTML is an STD, begging the question, “Are 1 out of 10 Americans fucking their computers?”

Los Angeles City Council members have outlawed the use of e-cigarettes in work sites and public spaces. Next week they’ll tackle decaf coffee and non-alcoholic beer.

Notorious Vogue Editor in Chief Anna Wintour gave up her front-row seat at Paris fashion week so that the writer covering the show for the magazine could get a better view. “I hope you enjoy it,” Wintour whispered, “because it’s the last thing you’ll ever see.”

Notorious Vogue Editor in Chief Anna Wintour gave up her front-row seat at Paris fashion week so that the writer covering the show for the magazine could get a better view. “And also so I could play Candy Crush without anyone noticing,” said Wintour.

Notorious Vogue Editor in Chief Anna Wintour gave up her front-row seat at Paris fashion week so that the writer covering the show for the magazine could get a better view. She was also overheard saying, “Let them eat cake!”

A New Jersey teenager is suing her parents for refusing to pay her college tuition and for not letting her hang out at the mall after school.

A New Jersey teenager is suing her parents for refusing to pay her college tuition. “Actually they’re in the right here, we’re way too expensive,” said colleges.

A news anchor for Russian-owned TV Network RT America abruptly quit on-air, citing the Russian government’s actions as the reason. Viewers applauded the anchor for Putin her money where her mouth is.

Radar reports that Jennifer Aniston gives her dogs a boutique brand of “anti-aging” water that costs $2 per bottle, so stop spreading those rumors about Jennifer Aniston being a creepy pet cemetery groundskeeper, guys.

Justin Bieber’s mother says she wants to have more kids, but the UN has rules against mass-producing biological weapons.

Advertisements