This Week’s Jokes: Week of 2/24/14

The George W. Bush Presidential Center has announced the former president will show an exhibit of paintings that explores “the relationships [he] forged with world leaders to shape international policy and advance American interests abroad.” “It’s, uh, mostly abstract stuff,” said the curator.

New York Magazine profiled OKCupid’s four most popular users, revealing that they are also Real Life’s four saddest people.

On Monday Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel announced a proposal to scale back the U.S. Military to its pre-World War II size. International pundits have criticized Hagel for not making the announcement on #ThrowbackThursday.

Virginia state senator Stephen Martin referred to pregnant women as a “child’s host,” and stated that being such is still not a right to terminate the pregnancy. By that logic, the next time you attend a party hosted by Sen. Martin and he wants you to leave, remember that it isn’t his right to kick you out.

Miley Cyrus tweeted, “I don’t think people realize how much energy I put into my shows & how much their bad energy brings me down.” International leaders are staging an emergency meeting to seek a solution for collectively harnessing every living person’s bad energy.

Girls actress Allison Williams announced her engagement to the co-founder of website Collegehumor.com. “I think the most important thing in a relationship is to share a lack of a good sense of humor,” said Williams.

The NYC Hospitality Alliance is cracking down on “bottomless brunches,” where alcoholic drinks are unlimited for a fixed price. Someone needs to correct the NYC Hospitality Alliance on their definition of “hospitality.”

A Utah man buying lunch at a Chipotle counter Wednesday accidentally discharged his handgun when he dropped the backpack he was keeping the gun in. Patrons of the restaurant reportedly were startled but not disturbed by the gunshot, telling police,  “I mean, we’re at Chipotle. We thought it was just a loud fart.”

A sewage main burst in London has left parts of the city flooded with human waste. Or as British people call it, “Americans.”

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