The city of Sochi has issued bright, purple colored uniforms to police officers patrolling in the Olympic zone. “We wanted to soften the image of the police force for tourists, and we thought these vibrant new uniforms would be the way to do it,” Russian officials said in a statement, adding, “No homo tho.”

Molson Canadian has installed a vending machine on a Sochi street that dispenses free beer to anyone with a Canadian passport. Non-Canadians attending the Olympics are trying to convince Molson they deserve their own free beer by telling the company they have a Canadian girlfriend, Molson’s just never met her.

A French newspaper is reporting that Beyonce and President Obama are having an affair. Given the international rumors surrounding an extra-marital affair for France’s own President, political analysts have determined the report is essentially the French equivalent of the “I know you are but what am I” defense.

Miley Cyrus has described her upcoming Bangerz tour as “educational for kids.” Parents across the country are relieved to hear that instead of giving “the talk,” they can now just tell their children, “Go see Bangerz and let me know if you still have questions after.”

All four of David and Victoria Beckham’s children, ages 2 to 14, attended their mother’s runway show at New York Fashion Week. “We were looking for a fun activity for the whole family,” said the Beckhams, “but then we just decided to take them to this instead.”

Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter has announced he will retire from professional baseball at the end of 2014, leaving the Yankees an entire season to awkwardly wait around for him to actually leave.

In business news, Comcast has threatened to beat up Time Warner Cable if it doesn’t give Comcast its lunch money.

A sinkhole swallowed 8 vehicles at the National Corvette Museum. Museum officials are trying to spin the disaster as the debut of a new “Man Cave” exhibit.

An Ohio woman is legally changing her first name from “Sheila” to “Sexy.” And an Australian woman is legally changing her first name from “Sexy” to “Sheila.”

Drake has criticized Macklemore’s post-Grammys tweet to Kendrick Lamar as “wack as fuck.” Critics of Drake have cited this as yet another example of his inadequacies as a rapper, pointing out that he missed a prime opportunity to rhyme the criticism as a “wack attack.”

Taylor Swift debuted a new short haircut on Tuesday. Swift credits the idea for the new look to her stylist, a three-year-old with scissors who understandably confused her with a Barbie doll.