This Week’s Jokes: Week of 2/3/14

The Denver Broncos lost this year’s Super Bowl to the Seattle Seahawks. The saddest thing about Denver’s loss is that this year’s game was on the East Coast so like, they didn’t even know about it until two hours later.

Pornhub video views in Denver, Colorado increased by over 10% after the Broncos lost this weekend’s Super Bowl, proving that even if Denver residents can’t score a touchdown, they definitely know how to give themselves one.

A 9/11 Truther crashed a post-Super Bowl press conference to steal the microphone and tell viewers to “Investigate 9/11.” He is being heavily criticized across the country, particularly for failing to use the opportunity to draw attention to an even bigger conspiracy: The fact that Sunday’s Puppy Bowl was filmed back in October.

It’s been revealed that Red Hot Chili Peppers bassist Flea was not actually playing his bass during the band’s Super Bowl half-time performance. In equally shocking news, it’s also been determined that Flea’s real name isn’t actually Flea.

An 81-year-old woman threatened to kill police officers who attempted to arrest her for refusing to stop feeding black bears in her back yard. “We’re really touched that she’s looking out for us,” said the bears, “but those cops were right, we’re gonna eat her.”

American Idol runner-up Clay Aiken is running for Congress in North Carolina. His campaign advisers are reportedly mapping out a plan for him to lose narrowly yet somehow still become more successful than the winning candidate.

Prince has stated that he would like to charge only “about $10” for an upcoming concert. When asked to explain, Prince said, “Well, I don’t know. I guess I still want to party like it’s 1999.”

Reuters has reported that the U.S. may mandate “talking” cars by early 2017. Netflix has offered to partner with the government to release training videos to educate drivers, which basically just means making full seasons of Night Rider available for streaming.

Google, Microsoft, Facebook and Yahoo were among internet companies compelled by the U.S. overnment to share information on their customers. Notably, no one Asked Jeeves.

President Barack Obama and Vice President Joe Biden will separately address next week’s House Democratic retreat. Obama’s address will focus on mid-term Congressional elections; Biden’s will focus on Marco Polo, popsicle stick crafts and bringing back Monday Taco Nights in the mess hall.

CVS Pharmacy has announced they will stop selling packs of cigarettes by October 2014. No word yet on loosies.

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