This Week’s Jokes: Week of 1/20/14

Jennifer Lawrence was quoted saying her Dior gown for Saturday’s SAG Awards gave her “armpit vaginas,” causing men across the country to spend the rest of the weekend rethinking their answer to the question, “What’s the weirdest place you’d have sex?”

Police reportedly found drugs while searching Justin Bieber’s mansion for evidence related to the alleged egging of his neighbors’ property, but did not seize any of the illegal substances because it would have “exceeded the scope” of their search warrant. Bieber’s friends and family were relieved, saying, “He’s been on drugs? Oh thank god, we thought he was just an asshole.”

The U.S. Attorney’s Office has issued subpoenas to Governor Chris Christie’s reelection campaign as part of its review of lane closures at the foot of the George Washington Bridge last September. “Nice!” said Christie, apparently not listening after he heard “sub.”

Upper East Side residents are accusing New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio of giving lower-income neighborhoods preferential treatment when it came to plowing streets after Tuesday’s snow storm. A spokesman for the Upper East Side stated, “We know this makes us sound like rich assholes. It’s because we are.”

The FBI has made arrests in connection to the 1978 Lufthansa heist at JFK International Airport, mythologized in the Martin Scorcese film Goodfellas. Out of respect to those who may not have seen the film yet, the FBI requests that all news coverage of the arrests be prefaced with “SPOILER ALERT!”

Facebook has announced that their new algorithm will show fewer status updates from Pages, making more room in your News Feed for important status updates from Friends. Users testing the new algorithm report their feeds are now completely empty, as none of their Facebook Friends post anything that could ever be considered remotely important.

Singer Ke$ha doesn’t have access to Twitter while in rehab for disordered eating, so she’s asked a friend to post updates to her account on her behalf. “I can’t go into too many details about the specifics of Ke$ha’s eating disorder,” the friend tweeted, “but I will say, it’s the cool one.”

Fall Out Boy bassist Pete Wentz told Watch What Happens Live host Andy Cohen he regrets having his penis pierced. But, as typically happens when a celebrity tells America they “regret” doing something with their penis, paparazzi caught him doing it again the very next day.

Biggest Loser fitness trainer Jillian Michaels said on the The Wendy Williams Show that she hates her “dimply butt.” She then clarified that she wasn’t talking about her own butt, but actually referring to a nickname for a current contestant on the Biggest Loser.

Kanye West revealed his latest menswear capsule collection in Paris over the weekend. Clothes designed by Kanye West: for the man who has everything, but still won’t shut up about how people don’t respect him.

The East Coast was hammered by snow storms this week. East Coast residents who have the day off from work due to the snow have also announced plans to be hammered.

It was just announced that Jay-Z and Beyonce will be performing together at the Grammys, just the latest example of their long history of professional collaboration as a couple. In other news, you and your significant other can’t even agree on which Chinese takeout place you’ll order dinner from tonight.

Former Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon passed away recently. In reference to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, history will remember Sharon as firmly Pro-Israel. And in Coke vs. Pepsi, firmly pro-Coke.

Matthew McConaughey gave a bizarre acceptance speech for his Golden Globe award, comparing an actor’s process to a journey to Neptune. Following the speech, McConaughey was immediately offered a role on Two and a Half Men.

A Florida teen was suspended for doing online porn. When reached for comment, the teen’s mother shrugged and said, “It’s better than having to clean up all the tissues around his bedroom after he watches it.”

Warren Buffett is offering $1 billion to anyone who can create a perfect NCAA tournament bracket. “Oh sure. Real nice,” said every charity.

Actor Jonah Hill reportedly took a pay cut for his role in Wolf of Wall Street. At $60,000, the “pay cut” is what’s also known to many Americans as “winning the freakin’ lottery.”

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